All of my life all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. In September of 2003, I married my childhood sweetheart, Matthew Paasch. Nine months later we found out I was expecting, though not planned by us, God obviously has special plans for our daughter, for nine months later, after a perfect pregnancy, Mysia Lynn Paasch was born, I was overjoyed. And when, less than a year later, I found out I was pregnant again I was surprised, but excited. I knew having 2 children so close together would be a challenge, but I was prepared to take it on. We waited until Mysia's Birthday party to announce the pregnancy to the family. She wore a little t-shirt that Matt had made for her saying “I'm going to be a Big Sister” It was a blast watching the reaction on everyone's faces as they realized what we were announcing. But one week later I started spotting, and by the end of the day the bleeding was strong enough for me to be concerned, so Saturday morning I called the nurse on call and she contacted the OB... I had never met him, seeing we had to change doctors due to insurance. He told me to go to the ER, there they confirmed the fact that it did look like a miscarriage, but were careful not to make any definite statements and sent me to see my doctor on Monday. This was the start of a very unhappy relationship with me and my new OB. I knew of several people who had miscarried and that it wasn't an uncommon occurrence, but when it happens to you it is a very different story. I grieved my loss but was convinced that God was in control and He knew best, I took comfort in knowing that my baby was in heaven and I would see him or her when my journey here was over. The doctor told me to wait a month before trying to get pregnant again, but otherwise just continue as normal.
I had one period in between the miscarriage and my next pregnancy, I called the Doctor right away and made an appointment to go in and see him, on my way to the doctor's office I was in a minor collision. It wasn't anything serious, I was rear-ended, but there was no visible damage to the car. After waiting for the police to show up I went on to my doctor's appointment, he did the exam, I told him about the wreck but he said it shouldn't affect the baby any. Well, what shouldn't happen and what sometimes does are two different things, later that week I started spotting and bleeding again. Why do these things always happen after hours? Anyway I called the nurse on call and she said to go to the ER because they wanted to be sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. They didn't find anything wrong said I might be miscarrying again but they couldn't be sure, and told me to go see my doc the next day. I went to see the doctor he said I might be miscarrying, but sometimes women will bleed a little during pregnancy and it not hurt the baby either. I went home to rest before I had to pick up my daughter from her grandma's. I lay down and took a nap, when I woke up I was cramping, my first thought was “I'm just uncomfortable because I slept too long and need to go to the bathroom.” I went and picked up my daughter and by the time I got home was doubling over in pain, I took some Tylenol and lay on the couch most of the evening, the pain wasn't unbearable with the medication it just made me uncomfortable, I remember thinking that this felt an awful lot like mini contractions. Around 10 I got up to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed and found I had passed the baby. It looked just like the pictures just really tiny, in it's bag of waters, I had my husband take a picture. I called the doctor the next morning and he said to go ahead and come in. I took Mysia to my mom's and then went to the doctor's. I remember the whole way there, it seemed, the radio station played nothing but songs about heaven, I was crying so much I could hardly see to drive. I gave my baby to the doc and they sent it to the lab for testing to see if anything was wrong with it. I went back to my mom's and spent the day with her I put on a CD and played “Jesus has a Rocking Chair” for hours while I curled up on the couch and cried. After that I tried to put it behind me, when anybody asked I was fine, but deep inside I wasn't I was angry with God, I didn't want to hear one more time how my baby was better off. I ached inside. I was mad that God had allowed me to get pregnant in the first place if he was just going to take my baby from me. What purpose did that serve? I closed myself off, I tried not to feel, it hurt too much. Slowly I began to realize that by not letting myself feel the pain I was also not allowing myself to feel joy. I was depressed.
About 2 months into this, I found out I was once again pregnant, with the last pregnancy we had announced it right away and I had had the misfortune of people hearing about the pregnancy but not about our loss, so this time I decided not to tell anyone. I didn't even call the doctor until I was about 8 weeks along, the weekend before my appointment I received a phone call from my mother giving me some very bad news, (I can't go into detail here, but it was bad enough it put me on an emotional roller coaster that still hasn't completely stopped). I went to the doctor he looked at me through a box of progesterone pills at me and said take these they may help. And set me up to come in every week sand have blood drawn so they could monitor my blood levels. I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday and I had bleed quite a bit, but then on Saturday nothing happened and I had no more bleeding so I was hopeful that this baby would survive. Unfortunately, it did not. A couple of weeks later I started bleeding profusely (on a Friday night) by this time I knew the routine and decided to forgo the ER visit and just call my Doc on Monday. I had indeed miscarried again, the doctor shrugged and said, “these things happen” and walked out. I was furious... I had stared doing my own research and had found that I had three things in my family history that could have caused the miscarriages and he had not checked to see if I had even one of these, and was very unconcerned.
I went to see my family doctor a few weeks later and she agreed to run the tests as well as refer me to a different OB. It was a relief to me to see someone start to care and try to do something to help...and though the tests revealed nothing, at least they had tried. A few months later I was pregnant again, this time I carried to term and delivered a beautiful baby boy. He did give us a little scare by wrapping the cord around his neck twice. I'm grateful to God for the 2 children that He has given me, and thought I still don't know why He took the other three from me, I trust that his way is best and know I will see them again in heaven. I will always miss them, my precious Angel Babies!
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